Gift Wrapping with Kitty   Clear large space on table for wrapping present. Go to closet and collect bag in which present is contained, and close door. Open door and remove cat from closet. Go to cupboard and retrieve rolls of wrapping paper. Go back and remove cat from cupboard. Go to drawer, and collect transparent sticky tape, ribbons, scissors, labels etc. Lay out presents and wrapping materials on table, to enable wrapping strategy to be formed. Go back to drawer to get string, remove cat that has been in the drawer since last visit and collect string. Reopen drawer and re-remove cat. Remove present from bag. Remove cat from bag. Open box to check present, remove cat from box, replace present. Lay out paper to enable cutting to size. Try and smooth out paper, realize cat is underneath and remove cat. Cut the paper to size, keeping the cutting line straight. Throw away first sheet as cat chased the scissors, and tore the paper. Cut second sheet of paper to size - by putting cat in the bag the present came in. Place present on paper. Lift up edges of paper to seal in present. Wonder why edges don't reach. Realize cat is between present and paper. Remove cat and retry. Place object on paper, to hold in place, while cutting transparent sticky tape. Spend 20 minutes carefully trying to remove transparent sticky tape from cat with pair of nail scissors. Seal paper with transparent sticky tape, making corners as neat as possible. Look for roll of ribbon. Chase cat down hall in order to retrieve ribbon. Try to wrap present with ribbon in a two-directional turn. Re-roll ribbon and remove paper, which is now torn due to cat's enthusiastic ribbon chase. Repeat steps 13-20 until you reach last sheet of paper. Decide to skip steps 13-17, in order to save time and reduce risk of losing last sheet of paper. Retrieve old cardboard box, that is the right size for sheet of paper. Put present in box, and tie down with string. Remove string, open box and remove cat. Put all packing materials in bag with present and head for lockable room. Once inside lockable room, lock door and start to re-lay out packing materials. Remove cat from box, unlock door, put cat outside door, close door and re-lock. Repeat previous step as often as is necessary until you can hear cries from cat outside door. Lay out last sheet of paper. This will be difficult in the small area of the toilet, but do your best. Discover cat has already torn paper. Unlock door go out and hunt through various cupboards, looking for sheet of last year's paper. Remember that you haven't got any left because cat helped with wrapping last year. Return to lockable room, lock door, and sit on toilet and try to make torn sheet of paper look presentable. Seal box, wrap with paper and repair by very carefully sealing tears with transparent  sticky tape. Tie up with ribbon and decorate with bows to hide worst areas. Label. Sit back and admire your handiwork, congratulate yourself on completing a difficult job. Unlock door, and go to kitchen to make drink and feed cat. Spend 15 minutes looking for cat, before coming to obvious conclusion. Unwrap present, untie box and remove cat. Retrieve all discarded sheets of wrapping paper. Feed cat. Return to lockable room for last attempt, making certain you are alone and the door is locked. Find least torn and wrinkled sheets of paper. Attempt to use sheets of same pattern. Vainly try and wrap present in patchwork of paper. Tie with now tattered ribbon and decorate with the now limp bows. Label and put present in bag, for fear of anyone seeing this disaster. When giving the gift, smile sweetly at receiver's face, as they try and hide their contempt at being handed such a badly wrapped present. Swear to yourself that next year, you will get the store to wrap the damn thing for you.  Smile smugly, knowing that the recipient could have received a cat!meone else's fault. Critters Index